Figuring out what to do about a job is very tiring. What did I go to college for? I can’t even remember. To be an artist? Oh yeah. Easier said than done, I know.
When I open my laptop I think, “I’m not fit for any of these jobs,” or “I could do this job, if I had a drivers license or a car. I will take the bus if I have to. But what if I get raped, or die? Also it’s hecka dangerous to walk to the bus stop with the way the weather’s been, with the snow now piled up in sludgy mountains which have replaced the sidewalks and streets – so I’ll have to be extra careful not to get hit by a car. On top of that, I’ve been too sick to really do any moving.”
Are all these legitimate reasons for not having a job? I think so. But when this is my thought process before I even start an application, I’m too exhausted to continue, thinking that maybe, if I can’t even to do that, I’m not fit to do anything. All of this sends me the message that I must be somehow deficient. A strong wind of inadequacy plagues me.
But maybe I’m taking this too far. Maybe now’s the time that I stop criticizing myself for the hand that life has dealt me, for the hand that I’ve dealt myself. I may have some weaknesses but at least I’m trying. I’m working: working on finding a job despite my limitations (that lets me work on my art), working on getting a license and a car, and working on my book. (I’m writing a book of poetry and essays, hopefully you’ll get to read that someday soon). It may take some time, but with prayer and faith and work, it will all come together. Little by little, at least I’m making my life what I want it to be. Maybe today I stop finding my sense of self worth in my job or lacktherof, or in what people think of me for having lost my job. I hope that anyone who feels this way, who doesn’t have a job or who is not happy with their job, finds worth in who they are instead of what they do. Remember that everyone is worth it simply for breathing. Shame doesn’t motivate anyone to do anything. Love and encouragement, on the other hand, is a powerful thing.
